Melons
by The . L O S T . Paperclip
Summary: How Tsunade managed to affix a pair to her chest, and why Orochimaru is a pedophile. Oneshot, gen, mild crack.


**Melons  
**_.:And how Tsunade managed to affix a pair to her chest:._

He wondered if, in the end, it was really worth it.

"JIRAIYA, YOU SICK, PERVERTED ASS OF A TOAD, I'LL KILL YOU!" Tsunade bellowed. Said white-haired ass-of-a-toad dodged a bone-crushing punch by a scant centimetre by throwing himself backwards onto the pavement. Sharp chunks of wall rained around the pair in an ominous, deadly hemisphere, and, coupled with the nightmarish image of an enraged Tsunade hovering over him with a fiery aura of killing intent, in that moment Jiraiya had every reason to fear for his life.

But as she moved to grab him by the collar and wring his neck, her massive breasts swayed and heaved with her in an enticingly hypnotic dance and he couldn't help but believe he had made the right decision . . .

"ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO ME?" Tsunade demanded, shaking her teammate threateningly. Jiraiya was brought back to reality when his head was buried in the ground via the sheer brute force of a dainty fist.

Survival instinct kicked in once the heavenly view was masked by a face full of stone and dirt.

And as such, Jiraiya began cowering and pleading for mercy.

Tsunade didn't care.

"WHAT THE HELL DID YOU THINK YOU WERE DOING GIVING ME THAT SEAL WHEN I WAS DRUNK! YOU THINK YOU WERE TRYING TO **HELP** ME?YOU BASTARD, IT TURNED MY BOOBS INTO FREAKING FRANKEN-MELONS!"

"N-now maybe you're exaggerating a bit," Jiraiya tried to defend himself. They were shaped perfectly, really; the 'franken' was just trying to be insulting.

Obviously that was the wrong way to go.

The resulting explosion was too brutal for words.

Her teammate had yesterday presented her with a delicate seal on a piece of paper. Stupidly, Tsunade had believed Jiraiya when he said that it would increase both her chakra reserves and control.

The fact that she had discovered her father's secret stash of sake a few hours prior may have helped a tad.

_"Hey Jirrr-yaya, whazzit? You givin' me a preshent? For schakra? I don't need yer pity. Your hair looksh like a pin cushion. Wha? You teshted it. Sho it worksh, huh. Really?"_

Eventually she was convinced and took her shirt off to apply the seal, uttered the jutsu, then passed out. In the middle of the street. Godknows how she got home in one piece; Jiraiya had passed out with a nosebleed and Orochimaru was mysteriously absent.

Presently, Jiraiya was thanking the stars that Tsunade didn't remember the taking-her-shirt-off-in-public part.

Even so, he was still bleeding internally. Tsunade eventually simmered down to simply kicking the crap out of him as he wept, reduced to the foetal position in a mess of rubble and ruin.

"So who did you test it on anyway?" the girl-woman growled, aiming a blow to the crotch.

But question time was over, as Jiraiya squeaked and finally, _finally_ gave in to sweet oblivion.

Tsunade scowled and kicked him in the back once more for good measure. She stood straight and, with some difficulty, manoeuvred her arms to fold disapprovingly around her newly enlarged breasts and examined her handiwork.

Jiraiya was a bloody mess. But for some inexplicable reason, he had a very stupid, very toothless grin on his face.

_Yes,_ he thought dreamily. _It was __**so**__ worth it._

-:-

_Fin._

-:-

**.:[Omake Theatre]:.**

Orochimaru had been missing for a week.

When he returned, he made no mention of his impromptu disappearance.

He could not make eye contact with Tsunade when she confronted him about it (she had a sneaking suspicion that his eyes were on her fixed resolutely boobs) and whenever Jiraiya entered the room, Orochimaru ran away in terror, screaming some nonsense about not swinging that way.

Over the weeks he proceeded to have many identity crises, the first of which was convincing himself that he was not gay and the second being the fact that he did not secretly want to be a woman. He soon devolved to screaming at Tsunade that he wasn't a lesbian and then cried himself to sleep, settling on children.

Children were easy to figure out. They didn't care. Children were fine.

Insert crazed, desperate laugh here.

-:-

_**Author's Note:** This was based on a nightmare my friend had; Jiraiya gave her a seal that made her boobs bigger. That's about where the resemblance stops. Yes, it was a pretty horrifying nightmare. But! Honestly, those things can't be natural - this is what really happened, I'm sure of it. And poor, poor Orochimaru got experimented on, then was gender-confused and became a paedophile. I hope you enjoyed this little oneshot. Reviews are love!_


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